


Watch Me As I Burn

by orphan_account



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Disordered Eating (implied), Read Author's Note, Two-Shot, after Alucard's disappearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24198883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The after-effects of the Battle of London are far-reaching and hit deep, and however strong Integra's facade is, there is no strength in avoidance.
Relationships: Integra Hellsing & Seras Victoria
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. Watch Me As I Burn

**Author's Note:**

> TW/CW/disclosure, There some implications of disordered eating and unhealthy coping skills in this work. If you find those triggering, please do not read this work.

_I feel alone, alone_

_When you're here_

_Watch me as I burn,_

...

_I'll turn to ash and fade away_

_It's temptations only you create_

_At least then I can be ok_

_Instead of dreaming 'bout things I'm too scared to face_

_Burn - Vorsa_

The strain of post-war did not come as a searing fire but as a slow burn.

Not in the image of wreckage shown around the world, but in the brush of a white glove on the burned bedpost. Not in the hundreds of citizens she knew she should mourn, but in no longer being able to look into those doe-like eyes that reminded her so much of _him._

That her home built on honor, the blood of sacrifices made by her forefathers lay crumbled. The dishonor she brought was the same; that spoke to her failures to keep Hellsing's legacy clean and allowing it to crumble and burn. Her grandfather had saved London from Dracula, her father saving London from Millenium and Nazi Germany, but she was unable to save London from either.

And it smoldered slowly, along with her cigars. With each inhale of cigar smoke, her mind choked back tears and fears. Emotions that strangled her until she choked.

Somewhere between the steps between her desk and her bed, her body finally choked as well, body snuffed out from exhaustion. 

And the coldness of death did not keep the burn from spreading, or reaching Seras. And it finally burned Seras when she was alerted by Pip that something was wrong with Integra, and she sprinted to Integra’s office, finding her master lying on the floor. Breathing, alive, but on the floor nonetheless. _Could Pip have not been more specific?_

She turned Integra, looking at her face. She had grown used to seeing Integra like this. Exhausted, insistent on working. And yet, with her eye shut, she was suddenly reminded how close in age they were. Hardly 22, and yet hard as nails. She scooped Integra up, and she heard a weak, protesting groan.

“Master—” the words were a whisper, “You need to rest.” She carried Integra to her room down the hall. She set her down on the bed, pulling the papers that had migrated to her room from the bed. She removed Integra’s blazer with care, Integra seemingly half-awake but hardly lucid in helping her, eye opening and not focusing. Seras pulled away Integra’s glasses, leaving the eye patch, and laying her back in the bed. “I’m not going to ask if you slept last night.”

“Seras—”

“Rest, Integra. You collapsed in your office. You _need_ to rest.”

“It’s still day time.”

“Did you eat?”

A lack of response triggered a glare from Seras. “Stay laying down. I will be back. Pip, if she gets up, tell me.” Leaving the ghost of Pip in the walls like the world’s most creepy bed alarm.

Seras returned with a cup of water and graham crackers. She knew it would be extraordinarily bland, and Integra would complain about the crumbs later, but right now that didn’t matter. It was the easiest, most convenient thing to grab at the moment.

“Integra.”

“Yes.” There was an edge to her voice—perhaps irritation, perhaps frustration.

“You can’t keep doing this, Integra.”

“Seras—”

Seras cut her off, “You need to sleep. You need to eat. You need to take care of yourself. I _will_ tell the convention.”

Integra was silent, staring up at the ceiling.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I’m not a mind-reader, Integra. I know you won’t talk to me, but you need to talk to someone. I have water and some graham crackers. Eat them.”

Integra sat up, avoiding her gaze as she took the packet from Seras, opening it. She took one, breaking it into quarters before starting to eat it. She took the cup, drinking some of the water before continuing to eat another one of the graham crackers.

“Eating is tiring.”

“You know, it doesn’t make you strong to push yourself to this point, Integra,” she said, taking the glass and setting it back on the nightstand. “I’m being serious. I can’t keep watching you work until you pass out at your chair. Chain-smoking is not helping. I don’t know who you think this helping, but it’s not helping you. You can’t avoid everything by working.”

And to that, Integra was silent, eating another graham cracker.

“I still have paperwork to do.”

“Are you listening to me, Integra? You haven’t looked at me in weeks, but do you see yourself?”

Integra looked straight at Seras, looking completely sure of herself one moment, “I am—” and her facade briefly trembling the next, as did her lip until she clamped her jaw shut, “I am fine, Officer Victoria.”

Seras sat on the edge of Integra’s bed. “You’re not.”

“Please leave.”

“No.”

“Leave. _That’s an order._ ”

Seras narrowed her eyes, “No.”

Smoldering tears reaching ignition, and Integra threw the remaining graham crackers from the bed. A single hand reached to brush the tears coming down from her eye, breaking eye contact with Seras again. Seras reached her hand carefully, to set it on top of Integra’s other hand as it formed a fist. 

Integra choked back a sob. The literal coolness of Seras’s hand grounded her back to reality, bringing her clarity to feel the burn of anger, sadness, disappointment. And as such, her body racked with emotions, however exhausted, shook slightly.


	2. Avoiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with how to finish this completely, so thus enjoy the update of what I felt was an acceptable completion without trailing off into Live By The Sword prototype territory.

_ ‘Pain is weakness leaving the body….’ _

_ To practice self-control, self-discipline. To have absolute control of yourself _ — _ body, mind, and spirit. _

_ Wasn’t that what they said? _

_ To work is to do good, and to have value? _

_ Then why, after so much work, so much control, did I still feel so weak? _

Integra’s crying was rather silent after her brief outburst, tears rolling down her still face, except for the occasional quiver of her lip that was bit back. The tears extinguishing the anger for a more appropriate mourning of all that was lost, and all that could be lost.

“I can’t rest—”

“I’m here, Integra,” she said, patting Integra’s hand, and pulling the pillow back behind Integra to rest against, “You  _ can  _ rest.”

Integra looked at Seras again, this time seeing Seras for Seras and not as Alucard. Blonde hair poorly tied back, expression reassuring. She had seen it many times, directed at Alucard, directed at the frightened Wild Geese, directed at frightened citizens. The same reassuring expression she had seen time and time again on different faces. And she allowed herself to be reassured this time, leaning back on the pillow.

“Can I take off your shoes?”

Integra said, “I can do that,” and sat back up to remove her shoes and tie. Seras looked relieved when Integra laid back in the bed, pulling the blanket up around Integra, and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Where did you put my glasses?”

“They’re on the nightstand.”

Integra nodded, and tension slowly left her body. “You don’t have to stay.”

“I want to stay.”

An uncomfortable silence passed over them, Integra shifting in an attempt to get comfortable. “Why?”

“Because I care.”


End file.
